One of our clients, a partner at a large firm, recently came to our coaching meeting visibly tense. She had a meeting lined up with a former colleague who’d moved in-house, and she felt pressure to “make the most of it.”
Her exact words:
“I know I’m supposed to build relationships… but it still feels like I’m supposed to pitch. I don’t want to be salesy, but I also don’t want to waste the opportunity.”
That tension is real.
When there’s an opening, like an introduction, a reconnection, a coffee with someone who could send work your way, the default mindset is: How do I prove my value? That instinct makes sense. But it often backfires.
Because when you lead with selling, even subtly, the conversation becomes about you. Your expertise. Your firm. Your services. And the person across from you? They go into listening mode, not engagement mode.
Instead, we reframed the purpose of that meeting.
I asked her:
“What if your only goal was to learn?”
To understand what’s happening in their world. To explore how they think about challenges, priorities, goals, without trying to solve anything on the spot. To treat the meeting not as a pitch, but as discovery.
You could see the relief in her body language. She wasn’t avoiding the business conversation but setting the foundation for a better one.
Here’s what this mindset shift unlocks:
- You stop trying to impress and start building trust. When people feel seen and heard, not “targeted,” they open up. They share more. The conversation deepens.
- You gather context you couldn’t possibly guess from LinkedIn or a company website. And that context is gold. It helps you spot the real ways you can add value, learn about the key decision-makers, understand real challenges and issues, and more.
- You become someone they enjoy talking to. Which sounds simple, but in business development, enjoyment is often the difference between a one-time meeting and a long-term relationship.
If you want to try this approach, start here:
Go into your next conversation with the goal of learning something new about:
- Their current business goals and challenges
- How they think about success in their role
- Where they feel stuck or stretched
- What they wish they had more time, support, or budget for
- What they care about, professionally and personally
Need a few questions to get started? Try:
- What’s one thing you’re working on that’s taking a lot of your headspace right now?
- What’s shifting in your industry or department that’s impacting your team?
- If you could wave a magic wand and solve one issue, big or small, what would it be?
- How do you measure success in your role, and what metrics are most important?
- Are there any professional organizations, industry events, forums, or courses that you find particularly valuable?
- How do you prioritize your tasks and projects, given that you likely have a lot competing for your attention?
- How do you manage work-life balance, especially with the demands of your role?
- What books, podcasts, or other resources have made a significant impact on your professional development?
- What are your long-term career aspirations, and what steps are you taking toward them?
These questions don’t just spark conversation. They create connection. They reveal opportunities. And they position you not as a vendor, but as a thought partner.
The bottom line: this strategy is not about avoiding the business conversation. It’s about earning it. You’re not selling. You’re listening for ways to serve, now or later. And that’s what turns a one-off meeting into a trusted relationship.
One final note: That coaching client? She came back the next week and said:
“It felt like a real conversation, not a performance. And now I actually want to follow up.”
That’s the goal.
