Sara, a corporate partner at one of our client firms, recently shared something that made me grin from ear to ear: “It’s weird. I’m not trying to impress anyone anymore, but my contacts keep telling me how valuable our conversations are.”
That’s not weird at all. It’s neuroscience!
When we shift from trying to demonstrate our expertise to genuinely exploring someone else’s world, we trigger what psychologists call the “self-expansion effect.” The person we’re talking with literally feels their sense of self growing through the conversation, and they attribute that feeling to us.
But here’s the counterintuitive part: this only works when our curiosity is completely authentic.
Most lawyers think they can fake curiosity. They ask the “right” questions, nod at the appropriate moments, and wait for their turn to showcase relevant experience. But the human brain is exquisitely tuned to detect genuine interest versus performed interest.
Mirror neurons – the brain cells that help us read others’ intentions – can distinguish between authentic curiosity and strategic questioning within milliseconds. When someone senses you’re mining for information rather than genuinely exploring their experience, they unconsciously pull back.
This is why so many “relationship-building” conversations feel stilted, even when both parties are trying to connect.
The solution isn’t better questions. It’s better curiosity.
Real curiosity has three distinct characteristics that most lawyers miss:
1. Present Moment Focus
Genuine curiosity exists entirely in the present moment. You’re not thinking about what you’ll say next, how this connects to your services, or what follow-up opportunity this might create. You’re completely absorbed in understanding their current reality.
Most lawyers struggle with this because we’re trained to think three moves ahead. But when your brain is in “what’s next” mode, you miss the subtle cues that create real connections.
2. Emotional Resonance
True curiosity isn’t just intellectual. It’s emotional. You’re not just gathering facts about your contacts’ challenges; you’re genuinely feeling something about their experience. Frustration when they describe bureaucratic obstacles. Excitement when they talk about breakthrough moments.
This emotional mirroring is what transforms a business conversation into a human conversation. And humans do business with humans, not with walking LinkedIn profiles!
3. Assumption Suspension
Real curiosity requires temporarily abandoning everything you think you know about their industry, their role, or their challenges. Even if you’ve worked with dozens of similar clients, you approach this person’s experience as completely unique.
This is perhaps the hardest shift for experienced lawyers. Our expertise is our currency. But in discovery conversations, expertise can actually work against us if it prevents us from seeing what’s truly unique about this person’s situation.
Here’s a practical example of how this plays out:
Sara was meeting with a potential client – a startup CEO who mentioned scaling challenges. Sara’s instinct was to share relevant experience: “We’ve helped several startups navigate rapid growth…”
Instead, she stayed curious: “What does scaling feel like from your seat? What part of the growth is energizing versus overwhelming?”
The CEO’s response revealed something unexpected: the real challenge wasn’t legal infrastructure, but maintaining company culture while adding remote team members across time zones. That insight led to a completely different conversation – and eventually, a more strategic engagement.
But here’s what I find most fascinating: the CEO later told Sara that their conversation was the most insightful discussion he’d had about his business in months. Not because Sara provided solutions, but because she helped the CEO think more clearly about his own experience.
This is the hidden power of authentic curiosity.
When you help someone explore their own thinking, they don’t just appreciate the conversation – they associate you with clarity itself!
The practical implication is profound.
The most powerful business development tool isn’t your expertise – it’s your curiosity. But this only works if the curiosity is real. You can’t fake the neurological signals that create trust and connection. You have to actually care about their experience more than you care about the opportunity.
This brings us to an uncomfortable question: Are you genuinely curious about your prospects’ worlds, or are you just asking strategic questions?
Because your brain knows the difference. And so does theirs.
